Conversations with God (Here by Popular Demand)

A couple years back I posted something on facebook for some kind of short-lived application or game or something like that. It was rather whimsical and some found it funny. I had some friends tell me that they particularly enjoyed my recollection of a conversation with God I once had.

Since that day, I’ve actually had several more interesting conversations with God that I thought I’d share here. The first one is the original I posted. The rest have, um, “taken place” since that time. To be honest, my memory isn’t perfect, so I may be remembering some of this incorrectly.

Disclaimer: Please forgive any offense, blasphemy, or misrepresentation of how you understand God in what follows. That’s certainly not my intention.

At the office:

God: Hey, have you seen my three-hole punch?
Matt: No.
God: Oh, okay. Hey, is that a new shirt? I like it!
Matt: Oh, yeah…thanks.
God: Alright, well, take it easy…Matt, right?
Matt: Yeah, Matt.
God: Nice.

Sitting on a park bench, eating cheeseburgers:

Matt: So, you’re Trinity, right? Three-in-one?
God: Yes, that’s right.
Matt: Wow, crazy. How’s that work?
God: Well, it’s mysterious and complex, probably a bit beyond your ability to fully grasp—no offense.
Matt: None taken.
God: I think my plural yet unified nature is best expressed through metaphor.
Matt: Ooo, okay. For example, you’re like an avocado. One fruit—avocado’s a fruit right?
God: Technically, yes, it is.
Matt: Okay. One fruit, but three parts—the seed, the edible part, and the skin. All three are necessary for the life of the avocado—the three parts are interdependent, but one whole.
God: Well said. You’re on the right track. You should use that in a sermon. “God is like an avocado.”
Matt: I probably will.

Playing poker:

God: All in.
Matt: Don’t buy it guys, God’s bluffing.
God: Oh really? Do you think it’s in my nature to “bluff?”
Matt: (Silence)
God: Is that what you’re saying?
Matt: (Silence)
God: Do you think I’m bluffing?
Matt: No. Fold.
God: Haha, pot’s mine. It’s going to drive you crazy, isn’t it, Matt? Wondering what I had?
Matt: Yes.

Walking through a field:

God: Do you remember what I’ve taught you, my son?
Matt: Yeah—“you win some, you lose some."
God: Umm…no, not exactly.
Matt: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
God: That’s more like it.
Matt: “Love your neighbor as yourself."
God: Yes, that’s it.
Matt: “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”
God: Well…yes, I guess so, though you’re kind of getting off track.
Matt: “The rain is Spain stays mainly on the plains.”
God: No.
Matt: “Jesus fools you once, shame on Jesus; Jesus fools you twice, shame on you.”
God: Nope. Please stop.
Matt: “I coulda been a contender!”
God: (Sigh). Okay, new topic.

Coming out of a movie theater:

Matt: So, Jesus—kind of like your ultimate revelation right? Making yourself known through a human?
God: That’s a good way to put it.
Matt: Well…let’s say you decided to, um, “incarnate” yourself as a famous movie star. Who would you choose?
God: That’s a fun question.
Matt: Thanks.
God: Sure. Maybe Charlie Sheen?
Matt: (Silence, puzzled look)
God and Matt: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
God: No, but seriously. Maybe Josh Brolin. Or Meryl Streep.
Matt: How about Robert Pattinson?
God: (Silence, puzzled look)
God and Matt: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Matt: Speaking of which—are you Team Jacob or Team Edward?
God: I’m not going to answer that.

In the grocery store:

Matt: So what’s actually better for you…non-fat or low-fat? I can never remember.
God: I recommend neither. Go for the real thing, fats included. Most non and low-fat products aren’t as nutritious for you. Real food is always best.
Matt: Really? But won’t eating those things make me fatter?
God: Eat them. Just eat less food. Learn to savor. Chew slowly. Smaller portions.
Matt: Easier said than done. Americans have a reputation for being gluttons, you know.
God: Yes, I “know.” Sometimes I think you forget who you’re talking to, Matt.
Matt: Right. Sorry.

In the car:

Matt: God, why is there so much evil in the world?
God: Matt, why is there so much good in the world?
Matt: Touché.

In the kitchen:

God: Matt, do you any idea how much I love you? You are so incredibly beautiful to me.
Matt: Wow, thanks. Although…"beautiful?" That seems a bit feminine. Maybe a more masculine word, like "handsome?"
God (Humoring me): Okay. You are so handsome to me.
Matt: Hmm…now that you say it, handsome feels kind of shallow, like you’re just talking about my looks. Maybe, “breathtaking.”
God: You are breathtaking, Matt. How does that sound?
Matt: Well now I just feel like you’re exaggerating.
God: Yeah, you’re probably right. (Smile)
Matt: Hey, come on. Think about my self-esteem.
God: What’s “self-esteem?”
Matt: Really?
God: No, Matt, not really. I’m just making a point.

Kneeling at my bedside:

Matt: God?
God: Yes, I’m listening.
Matt: God, Lord God, I just, Lord God, want, Lord God, to just feel, Lord God, Your presence, Lord God, just, just, Lord, God, just now, Lord God, in this holy place, God, just, Lord God—
God: —Matt. Sorry to interrupt, but…I haven’t understood a thing you’ve said.

At my desk:

Matt: Lots of questions for you today, God.
God: Alright, fire away.
Matt: Okay, so Jesus—human or divine?
God: Yes.
Matt: Okay. Humans—good or evil?
God: Yes.
Matt. Hmm. Everything is predetermined or we have choice.
God: Yes.
Matt: Wow. You sound like my beginning English students whose default is “yes” to everything. ‘How’s it going?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘What are you doing this weekend?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Is this an adjective or adverb?’ ‘Yes.’ You know that’s what your answers sound like, don’t you?
God: Yes.
Matt. Very funny.